Julie's Raintree

September Song

This post was supposed to be entered in September, but due to "circumstances beyond my control", i.e., an update in my computer which I could not comprehend & had to have my daughter come over & walk me through it (in about two seconds), here we are at the beginning of October. However, I got inspired in another direction for the content. It came to me as I was making another of my copious (meaning, plentiful, excessive, over abundant, a whole lot, which is a great description actually!) visits to the veterinarian to pick up Kitty Patsy after her 'change of life' surgery. (Brother Clooney got his yesterday & got to come home.) The song "September Song" composed by Kurt Weill in the 1930's kept playing through my mind for several days, a rather melancholy song. Then, it morphed into a different sort of 'song' that brought our youngest child to mind. She came into our lives in the month of September, 2000, at five months old, through adoption. I was 48, my husband was 50. Two years previously we had adopted her brother. (This was our second family. We had already reared five girls.) From here on I will refer to her as SS, (not like the German SS although there are similarities) for September Song.

SS is the youngest of our children & from the beginning she has established herself as the Boss of us all. Let me give you the verb connotation of the word 'Boss'.

"Order around, give orders to, dictate to, impose one's will on, lord it over, lay down the law, trample on, bulldoze", to name a few, though that is not at all exhaustive. There have been times over these 23 years that my husband & I have been tempted to run away from home. Now on the other hand SS is extremely loyal to me, can be a lot of fun, & is very innovative & in some areas, has solid common sense. She just knows some things. She has good work ethics (that only applies as an employee. Certainly not at home & especially not her bedroom. 😵) But, we have spent most of those 23 years together almost every minute of every day because we lived in a house on the prairie that was very remote, homeschooled & her Dad worked away from home a good part of the time for several years. It was the three of us, her older brother included. It was very bonding for us, but it was a fight to keep our relationship Mother/Daughter & not as peers which is what she preferred.

But I really lost ground when she got her driver's license at age 17. I suddenly entered dotage & senility. I was never allowed to drive if we went anywhere together. After the driver's license milestone she evolved into Frankenstein & I became a feeble, (minded as well as physically) elderly, doddering, invalid. Mom you can't mow, Mom you can't go for a walk by yourself, Mom you can't lift that, (well, there is truth to that, but I did it anyway just because SS said I couldn't. & if I don't do it who will hmmm?!) Mom you can't watch this, Mom you can't go by yourself to shop for groceries, or to the vet or to the bathroom (Oh puhleese)! Mom you can't go out at night, Mom you can't go down those stairs, Mom take your cane, Mom you can't figure out the computer ( she has me there too.) Mom you can't, can't, can't...!!!! Auuuugh! I wasn't her only target or victim, however you want to look at it. Oh no. No one was neglected in the "Range Boss" department. There's plenty to go around for everyone! Then, about 3 weeks ago, SS announced that she was tired of being told what to do (or in other words gaslighting, sort of the manipulation of reality) & was moving out. Miracles really do still happen. I have to say that I went into mourning because I realized my whole life would be changing forever, she really was not prepared to confront the real world, she thinks she can take care of herself, a recipe for disaster, & that I would rarely see her & she wouldn't be sleeping in the next room anymore. ( She couldn't boss me when she was sleeping.) It wrung my heart knowing we wouldn't be sitting down together to eat dinner. Those were absolutely some of our best times. & with the extra responsibilities, she would be working longer hours so we wouldn't be going places together like we did. She also got a dog & a boyfriend though not necessarily in that order. Her time is completely her own & most of it does not include us. She rents a bedroom but I don't doubt that before too long, the owner, who also lives there, will wonder how she became subservient to SS & she'll be renting from SS. We were sent a picture of SS's new dog in the owner's living room looking like he owned the place. In due time, in due time. But I have shed a lot of tears with SS's leaving, until I realized...

I am free.

I. Am. Free

I AM FREE!!!

Nanny, Nanny, Boo Boo!! SS can't tell me what to or what not to do anymore!! What a heady sense of freedom! The first thing I did was made her old bedroom into a real bedroom. It looks very sweet & cottage-ish now. You can actually tell it's a room! I have been eating where & what I want to. (I do realize that I can only do this in the honeymoon stage.) I can mow. I can get on a six inch stepladder to put a curtain back up that the kittens have torn down! I can watch a mystery if I want to. & here's the best one. I can drive whenever & wherever I want to! Yes! (It does take some getting used to though.) I almost cried with that one. I can make my own choices!

"It's my life & I'll do what I want", is my new mantra. Well, sort of. Ok, not really. This is the lesson that SS will be learning. This is what happens when we leave never, never land. We grow up. We learn how to be responsible with our freedom & lives & make the discovery that it is not our lives & we don't get to do what we want. I have learned as I have aged that time really does go by at breaking the sound barrier speed. & I just get one shot to make that time count, to make a difference that the world will know that I have been here. Even if it is to pass through, that my living influence for good will live on even throughout eternity.

"Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, & you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body & in your spirit, which are GOD'S. 1 Corinthians 6: 19 & 20

As a follower of Jesus, I belong to Him. He's my Boss. My sweet, ever-lovin' Boss. Because He bought me. With His blood, with His love. & He's a great Boss with great benefits that are eternal. This is the "I'm your boss as well as my boss out of never never land" SS will be learning. For those of us who are in the "Jesus is Boss Club" all will learn it, maybe in increments, maybe in sprints, all in marathons. & we will be here to encourage our SS on her forward journey. One thing else I want to say to my September Song...

YOU ARE NOT MY BOSS!!

WOW... I just had to get that off my chest.